Sunday afternoon, I get a text from my buddy Ken Whittier, who’s visting from San Francisco:
“meet us @ abbey for drnks.”
I ask my roommate what the Abbey is. He goes, “What, the gay bar?”
It turns out Ken’s meeting some girls there. But at the moment, I’m nonplussed. I’ve never been to a gay bar — namely, because I’m not gay, and just assumed there’s no reason to go to one unless, well — unless you like dudes.
It turns out I’m not into dudes. So the Abbey seems like an odd place to spend a Sunday afternoon. But after a quick chat with Ken, I decide I might as well meet him and his girls for a drink or two.
Lo and behold, I surprised myself by having a great time. And at the end of the day, my conclusion is that more straight guys should go to gay bars.
1. There are hot girls there
This is hands down the best kept secret about gay bars. It never even occured to me straight girls would go to them. And not only do they go, they go in PACKS. If this fact were featured more prominently in the straight guy handbook, I would have visited The Toolbox a long time ago… ok, maybe not The Toolbox, and probably not The Mine Shaft, but you get the idea.
2. Your competition is gay
Is there a cute girl standing next to you? Yes. Do any of the 12 guys surrounding her care? No. Unlike the ravenous, bloodthirsty predators in Affliction shirts you have to jock with at any standard club, you’ll find you have no competition in a gay bar. Start thinking about gay bars like straight bars full of girls, only there are a bunch you don’t want to go home with. It’s kind of like that.
3. Girls’ defense mechanisms are temporarily deactivated
As a girl walks into a typical club, she mentally prepares to be hit on by everything with a penis. Much like the Starship Enterprise, she readies herself for attack: shields up, phasers set to stun. Hence, girls who are ordinarily easy to talk to may suddenly become unapproachable brats. But in a gay bar, girls have no expectation of harassment — they are relaxed, approachable, and generally happy to meet you. Go to Les Deux on a Friday and see if you can say the same.
4. Gay dudes know you’re not gay
I have a few friends whose chief objection to a gay bar would be: “I don’t want gay dudes hitting on me.” This is dumb. And after being in a gay bar 20 minutes, you’ll find out why. Apparently, it takes the average gay guy exactly 4.3 seconds to determine you’re not a target. Maybe your shorts aren’t short enough, maybe your hair isn’t moussed enough — whatever it is, they know semi-instantly. And they’re cool with that. But honestly, if a gay guy should happen to throw some game at you, it’s not going to kill you, super-hetero dude. So be flattered… and thank him for the raspberry mojito.
5. Gay guys are outstanding wingmen
Once a gay guy realizes you’re not gay (4.3 seconds after meeting you), he and his friends can become your greatest allies. Some may even play matchmaker, grabbing nearby cute girls, introducing them, talking you up — pretty much everything but arranging a dowry. And in some countries, they’ll probably do that too.
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