Jesse McCartney Is Shockingly Good At Beirut

Look. I don't know how to tell you this, so I'm just gonna say it. This guy is better at Beirut than you.

Look. I don't know how to tell you this, so I'm just gonna say it. This guy is better than you at beer pong.

My Beirut credentials are beyond reproach.

In college, I was the worst player in my house of 8. But my house was inhabited by 7 of the most competitive, highly regarded Beirut players in North America.

This statement is indisputable.

I have observed Beirut feats that defy imagination — consecutive perfect games, behind the back double-ups, sky hooks for the win, comebacks from 8 cups down in rebuttals — name it. I’ve seen it.

I’ve lived it.

In summary, it is difficult to imagine an act of beer pong to which I have not borne witness.

So imagine my skepticism when, at an after-party in the Hollywood Hills last night, teen pop sensation Jesse McCartney asks to partner up with me, declaring “I do not miss.”

Right. Weren’t you the voice of Theodore in the Alvin and The Chipmunks movie?

(He was.)

But we’re at his house, so what am I gonna say? We shake hands, line up…. and then came the rain.

Throw. Cup. Throw. Cup. Throw. Cup. Jesse is a Beirut machine sent from planet fucking Zebulon to destroy us all.

“Re-rack,” he demands. “Diamond.”

I toss a ball, miss — it rolls back to me. I nonchalantly slide it across the table.

“Whoa whoa whoa,” says Jesse to our opponents. “Give him the ball back — he doesn’t know the rules.”

My jaw hits beer soaked plastic.

What???? I don’t know the rules?

“Don’t worry about it,” Jesse says, patting me on the back like a 6 year old who forgot to collect $200 while passing Go. “If the ball rolls back, you get to shoot once behind the back.”

To be perfectly clear, I have played Beirut on 4 continents and NEVER heard anything even remotely resembling this rule.

But a gift is a gift. I take the shot and bank off the back row. I am duly embarrased. The game resumes.

Still better.

Still better.

Jesse hits 2 more cups, I hit 1 more, and we are down to our final cup.

I’m about to toss for the win when Jesse leans in and says, “Let me shoot first. I never miss the last cup.”

At this point, I’ll believe anything this guy says. He may as well have promised to vaporize the table with nothing but the power of song.

I hand him the ball. He shoots.

Game, blouses.

As a final note, let me say this: if Jesse McCartney had hit a few cups, it would have been enough. If he had hit 1 cup on a lucky bounce, it would have been enough.

If Jesse had stood idly by and poured us a can of warm Coors Light, it would have been enough.

But not only did Jesse thoroughly DOMINATE the table, he did so while fall-down drunk, chain smoking, and DANCING like he was on TRL.

Jesse McCartney, teen idol, I don’t know where exactly you learned to play this hallowed game, or whether it was simply born within you, encoded deep within the double helices of your DNA — somewhere next to the “real good at choreographed dance moves” proteins.

In any case, my faded white hat is off to you.

8 Responses

  1. respect

  2. Challenge.

  3. Yep, it’s true- if you grab the ball after you shoot & before the other team or it falls on the floor- you get an extra shot. You shoot from behind your back and it’s called a “Gentleman’s”.

    • That’s crazy! I wonder what colleges / parts of the country this rule exists in — I’ve never heard of anything like it…

  4. […] Jesse McCartney is Shockingly Good At Beer Pong […]

  5. “I hand him the ball. He shoots.

    Game, blouses”

    R O F L…….fuck yo couch Rob. This blog is hilarious

  6. “somewhere next to the “real good at choreographed dance moves” proteins.”

    Apparently evolution is coding us to be bad ass dancing beer pong players…and that is fucking awesome

  7. well that’s a freaking stupid role but house (hollywood) rules prevail. my main claim to fame is hitting the miracle shot to win a college tourney back in da day..

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