I live on Hollywood Boulevard.
Gruman’s Chinese is a block away. The Walk of Fame is across the street. Elvis’s star is practically in my driveway.
While this makes for incomparable people watching, it also makes for being asked some of the most absurd questions I’ve ever heard in my life.
Allow me to share a few of the rarer jems.
The difference between the $5 and the $50 tour? For $50 I'll show you Paul Newman's house. For $5 you get Paulie Shore's
1. A Matter Of Common Knowledge
If I were a realtor, or a tour guide, or maybe even a souvenir salesman, this question could make sense.
But here I am, walking out of Baja Fresh — spicy chicken burrito in hand — when I’m accosted by denim culats-wearing Wanda from Nebraska.
“Young man, where is Brad Pitt’s house?”
She doesn’t even qualify it with, “Oh, you probably don’t know this,” or “This is a shot in the dark, but…”
Nope. It just comes out like “What color is mayonnaise?”
Its as though, doesn’t everyone who lives here know where Brad Pitt lives?! Don’t they just hand out maps to the stars at the DMV??
For the record, no they do not.
Gene Simmons learns the hard way he must be on a leash the next time he walks himself in public
2. A Question of Identity Crisis
The Walk of Fame is littered with guys dressed like movie stars.
For a mere five bucks, you can get your picture with Cher or Superman. Wanna splurge? There’s a dead ringer for Rick James at the corner of Highland.
Well here’s Wanda’s sister in law from North Dakota, and she’s just transfixed on this Spiderman character.
“Hey,” she leans in real close and whispers to me, “Is he the real Spiderman from the movie?”
Yes, Toby MacGuire has fallen on hard times. He now wanders the streets for nickles to feed his weekly colonic habit.
He also had to pawn the original costume. That’s why he’s walking around shoeless in this neon purple getup.
“I really think it’s him,” she says, “cause when I asked he wouldn’t tell me. That’s what the real one would do…”
Can’t beat that logic. Get his autograph. See you on eBay.
What? You thought I made her up? Oh. Wanda exists.
3. A Question of Where to Begin
Again, in context, this could make sense.
Like, if I were a life coach, or an agent, or anything but a guy standing in line for a mocha latte at Starbucks.
But I am not an agent. I am a guy in line at Starbucks, and I have no idea what to say to this otherwise congenial woman who has struck up an unsolicited conversation with me.
After the obligatory pleasantries, she dispenses with small talk and cuts right to the meat:
“Where should I take my daughter to be an actress?”
Actually, I happen to be casting for a project this afternoon. Drop your kid at my place in the valley, and come back in 5 or 6 hours. Does she have a pretty mouth?
Yeah, I didn’t say that.
But I shoulda.
This dude is either from Iowa or a driving range
4. A Question of Final Destinations
I couldn’t make this up if I tried and tried.
I was walking past the Roosevelt Hotel when I noticed an out-of-town couple engaged in a VERY vocal argument.
“That’s ridiculous Laura, just ridiculous,” says the guy.
“No, no, no, no, that’s really what they do!! I read it in a magazine on the plane,” says the lady.
“Excuse me,” Laura says, addressing me as I approach.
“Isn’t it true the actors are buried under these stars when they die?”
I am Jack’s still-beating heart.
Yes. That’s absolutely true. The city even buries them without coffins, so their remains seep directly into the water table.
That way the avuncular genius of Ed McMahon will live forever in our hearts and faucets.
When the chips are down, just repeat after me, "If Puff Daddy can have a star on the walk of fame, I can have a star on the walk of fame."
5. A Matter of Blah Blah Blah
I started writing this one, but it dragged on longer than the ending of Lord Of The Rings, so I cut it. You’re welcome.
Why didn’t I title this “Top 4 Dumbest Questions,” you ask?
Because 5 sounds better.
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